Introduction. (Read the reference)

Once again this passage poses difficulties for me - and not for me only! Disagreement among commentators is a sure sign that a passage of Scripture poses problems. Of course some preachers find it all straight forward. They just quote: However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. v33. "There you are they say - that's it - that's clear for anyone to understand."

I find the passage difficult because it appears to make a distinction between the obligation of a wife to her husband and a husband to his wife. This certainly conflicts with the marriage service with its stress on mutuality. This is emphasised when stating the purpose of marriage: Marriage was ordained of God for the increase of mankind according to His will, and for the MUTUAL society, help and comfort the one ought to have for the other both in prosperity and adversity ... .

In my Minister's Manual the couple make the same vows in the marriage ceremony - to love, comfort, honour and keep in sickness and in health and to remain with one another as long as both shall live.

I have before me the faded sermon notes my father used when addressing the bride and groom at their wedding. He addressed them as one. He did not make any distinction between them. My dear father would invariably quote from Ep4v32: Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. He would follow this up by quoting Heb10v24: And let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds.

My father talked about mutual trust, respect, loyalty and confiding. Above all he urged the couple to invite Jesus to share their joys and sorrows and finished with the words of Prov3v6: In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

The passage we have to study does not sit easily with the mutuality we stress in marriage today. But, perhaps, it is time to look at what Paul has to say.

Paul's advice to husbands. Husbands love your wives.

There are three things to note:

(1) The loves Paul does not mention.

Paul does not urge the husband to have erotic love, affection or friendship for his wife. These are natural loves and cannot be conjured up. These loves have to do with the emotions and either happen or they don't. It would be no good me approaching an attractive woman and ordering her to fall in love with me. She cannot love me like that at will.

There is no doubt that the natural loves are a great blessing in marriage but as C.S. Lewis indicates in his book, 'The Four Loves,' they are all flawed. For example, romantic love finds it very difficult to adjust to any change in the beloved. So if a man comes home disfigured from war his wife might find she no longer feels for him like she did. Affection can be insensitive - it takes liberties. Friendship is exclusive and can foster pride.

(2) The love Paul refers to.

Paul tells the husband to have agape for his wife. This is not a love of the emotions but of the will. It is the love that desires and works toward the highest good of another whoever they might be. It is the love Jesus has for us; it is the love we are to have for our neighbour; it is the love we should have for our fellow Christians; it is the love Paul describes in 1Cor13; it is an inclusive and not an exclusive love.

Surely a Christian wife should have this love for her husband just as much as the Christian husband for the wife!

(3) The reason why Paul brings this up in the context of marriage.

It is possible for the strength and influence of the natural loves to blind a man in particular to the continuing necessity of agape in the relationship. It is, after all, just as important to have the same love for your wife as you have for your Christian brother.

Romantic love IS NOT ENOUGH. Many men think because they are in love with their wives it is enough and their wives should reciprocate their love. But it isn't enough! Let me illustrate this with reference to two old friends, Albert and Freda - both now dead.

Albert was a Christian. He had a deep romantic attachment to his wife Freda who was quite a lot younger than he was. Sadly, Albert was incredibly boring - so boring even his fellow Christians tried to avoid being button holed by him. His wife could not so easily escape his company. Now nobody need be boring. Anyone can take an interest in others and talk less and listen more. A boring monologue is intensely provocative. It is selfish. Some Christians seem to be interested only in themselves.

Albert was never wrong and would never change. He lacked humility. I can remember he once commented that the wind was coming from the west. We were camping near the east coast at the time. I pointed in the direction of the sea and said, "Albert - the North Sea is over there - that's the direction the wind is coming from - the east." But there was NO WAY I could persuade him to change his mind. Freda had that week after week. If Albert had agape for his wife and desired her highest good he would occasionally have admitted his fallibility.

Lastly Albert - a most loyal man - was narrow in doctrine and insisted on worshipping at a small, moribund, Calvinistic church that was unsuitable for his wife and children. If he had considered his wife's interest he would have left long before it had to close.

Albert had an abundance of romantic love for his wife. What he lacked was agape. He thought his romantic love was enough - but it wasn't - the marriage fell apart.

(C) Christ's love for the church is the model for a husband to base his love on.

(1) Christ's love perfects his church.

Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to presnt her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

The church is perfected through a process: salvation through Christ's sacrificial death - he gave himself up for her - and sanctification by immersion, in and conformity to, God's word.

It was the custom for Gentile brides to undergo purification for marriage by immersing themselves in water before the ceremony. The church can only be prepared for marriage with her holy Groom by immersion in God's sanctifying word.

So the lesson for husbands is that his love should desire and work towards producing virtue and good works in his wife. See Heb10v24 above. The husband needs the love that:

(a) Gives good advice and is not self-seeking.

(b) Doesn't provoke sin but is patient, is not rude.

(c) Encourages because it is kind, is not proud.

(d) Forgives. It keeps no record of wrongs.

(e) Imparts confidence. It always trusts, always hopes.

For more detail see my exposition on: 1Corinthians13.

(2) Christ's love cares for his church.

After all no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does his church - for we are members of his body. v13.

Jesus satisfies the needs of the church in many ways:

(a) At the communion service Christians remember the body broken for them and the blood shed for them.

(b) Christians are enlightened, sustained and strengthened through the gift of his Spirit.

(c) It is sustained and revived through the ministry of his servants both great and small. Augustine, Martin Luther, John Wesley and many others were Christ's gift to the church.

(d) Historical events and changes from Roman rule to the collapse of communism in Europe have benefitted the Christian cause.

• Reassurance of love.

• A bit of romance.

• Tenderness.

• Openness, frankness.

• An interest to be taken in her life.

• Friendly conversation.

• Appreciation.

• Help caring for the children.

• Generosity.

• Life to be made easier for her.

(c) Christ love ensures eternal union with his church.

The church is an extension of Christ himself. Christians are members of his body. v30. As long as he lasts the church lasts. Paul recognises this is a profound mystery.

So Paul teaches that a man's number one human relationship is with his wife. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. v30. A husband's loyalties lie predominantly with his wife - that is why he leaves his father and mother. He should be as loyal to his wife as Christ is to his church. Consequently marriage should be a permanent relationship.

The reason marriages break down is not so much that romantic love has waned but agape is in short supply. Where there is a commitment to the highest good of another a marriage is much more likely to last. It is very strange and disturbing when a Christian husband does not love his wife in this way. Agape takes precedence over romance.

(D) Paul's advice to wives. Submit to your husbands as to the Lord.

(1) This instruction poses many questions.

(a) Why on earth was it necessary considering the popular culture of the day. William Barclay has much to say about this in his commentary on Ephesians but his remarks can be summed like this: The Jews had a low view of women ..... . Their position was worse in the Greek world. Among Jews, Greeks and Roman women were subservient to men.

Christianity liberated women. It may be that some got carried away by their new found freedom and needed to be reminded of the importance of submissiveness. There is evidence of this in Paul's first lesson to the Corinthians. See exposition on 1Cor14v26to40.

(b) In verse 31 Paul gives general advice to ALL Christians: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. This injunction is reinforced by other Scriptures - none more so than Phil2v1to8: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. v3and4. Jesus gives us the golden rule: So in everything do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Mt7v12.

Within marriage we call this give and take. It means both husband and wife consider the interests of the other and neither always please themselves but try and do what is best for the other. For example, a wife might hate cricket but she would be very foolish trying to stop her husband playing the game. I think she might turn up on those Saturdays that her husband is in charge of the teas and give him a hand. But the husband would be selfish to play hockey all through the winter as well as cricket in the summer. Perhaps he should accompany his wife and children on several weekend visits to his mother-in-law during the winter. This is what give and take involves - mutual submission!

(c) There are Scriptures that specifically teach mutuality in marriage, for instance, 1Cor7v2to7. In this passage Paul says that the wife's body belongs to her husband but also the husband's body belongs to the wife. He told husband and wife NOT to abstain from sexual intercourse except by MUTUAL consent.

(d) It is possible to take a cynical view of Paul's instruction: Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. v24.

In the first instance, the church finds submission to Christ very difficult. The churches' submission is very imperfect. Jesus was very, very clear that he wanted Christians to be united and yet the church is split into thousands and thousands of different denominations. Secondly no husband is like Christ in his perfections or accomplishments.

Perhaps, one of the reasons women need to be reminded to submit to their husbands is because they are so familiar with his little weaknesses and flaws. It makes them blasé about showing respect.

(2) It is time to be positive and draw lessons from Christ's relationship with his church.

(a) Christ is head of the church because of what he has done and is doing for her. For the husband is head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. v23.

Jesus is head of the church because he loved her and gave himself for her. We love him because he first loved us. We submit to Jesus out of gratitude for all that he has done for us.

So, if a husband loves his wife as Jesus loves his church - in the way previously described - it would be a strange thing if the wife did not submit to him. After all we are called upon to submit to one another out of respect for Jesus. He was submissive to his parents, to God his heavenly father and even to the evil will of man. Christ's submissiveness did not in any way lessen him.

It would be reprehensible of a wife not to submit to a husband who shows something of Christ's love for her. A Christian wife should not be: rebellious, truculent, discontented, disrespectful or wilful. It is shameful when a Christian woman belittles her husband, treats him with contempt or takes him for granted. I know a lot of Christian wives - AND THEY ARE NOT LIKE THAT.

I think that a Christian wife who has a husband who loves her in the sorts of ways Christ loves his church is very likely to have a deep respect for him. See v33.

(E) Conclusion.

In some respects the Queen of England is head of the armed forces in much the same way as Jesus is head of the church. The Queen gives the armed forces much freedom. All sorts of people exercise authority within and around the armed forces. Perhaps the Queen seems to play no part at all .... .

Yet the members of the armed forces swear allegiance to the Queen - not to the prime minister, the minister of war, a general, parliament or even the people. This is a safeguard. It prevents the armed forces being high jacked by any individual or group. It prevents abuses of power - a military takeover for example.

Christ gives great freedom to his church. He doesn't meddle or coerce. Jesus has left his followers to it. There are no clear instructions about certain issues - like church government. BUT, he is Lord and every Christian needs to remember it. Our allegiance is NOT to a cult leader, a clique, a charismatic pastor, a pope or a set of doctrines but to Jesus. This has been the churches' safeguard. In the final analysis most Christians know where their allegiance ultimately lies.

I believe the husband is head of his wife in the same fashion. He shouldn't boss her around, micromanage her day, issue lots of orders or domineer. The husband should give his wife as much freedom as Christ gives his church. But, the wife needs to realise that in marriage her ultimate allegiance, after Christ, is to her husband. This, too, is a safeguard against ceding too much influence to others: her parents, her children, her friends, her doctor, her psychiatrist, her fitness trainer, her employer or her pastor.

Jesus is not a rival - he is shared in common by husband and wife - but if any other becomes a rival for the wife's allegiance then the marriage is heading for trouble. THIS IS WHY PAUL TALKS ABOUT A HUSBAND BEING THE HEAD OF HIS WIFE. Putting it simply: he should be her chief man. That, perhaps, is all Paul means.